The night sky here in Florida is… Quite frankly the same as it was back in Beaumont, sorry, but the gulf coast is the gulf coast. I’m turning 23 today, yay, in my rather boring life I have, A). Beat Empire TW in two turns. B). Kiss five and sleep with two women, and C). Finally got a bachelor’s degree in Environmental Science. The last of which is why I am, well now at least, currently on the other side of the gulf, holding a shotgun loaded with buckshot in a swamp, or as my dad would call it “A quality family outing!”. To my right is Rico, the world’s whitest, shortest, and least tolerable Cuban and to my left is Jean, a man who looks between 15 and 65 from god knows where Louisiana who speaks fluent French, Cajun, and when drunk, supposedly English. Hi, my name is Thomas, Thomas “Who?” Green. 
“Aye gringos check it” Calls Rico as he balances a beer can on his forehead.
“Shug it gaytor fooka” says Jean.
As for my I just rub my temples with my spare hand. We ought to be a good four miles off the beaten path and we ain’t seen a damn snake, living at least. 
“Weez Spittin ire boes” Jean calls before running like a loon into the swamp
“Adios Gringos!” Rico calls affectionately before squatting into the tall grass and doing God knows what.
I continue into the brush-woods, throwing the shotgun sling onto my left shoulder and reaching for my machete with my right hand. To my right I see what appears to be a moving vine, and with a feint hiss my suspicion is confirmed. I look up and down for a coffin shaped head. With a single strike a thrashing body and hissing head fall to the ground, following with a kick the snarling head is crushed under my boot. I take a moment to hang the snake carcass over a tree limb before continuing forward. 
A few hours pass and so do a handful more snakes, mainly on my blade. The stars change from meh pearls to sparkling diamonds. Eventually, like diamonds’ actual value, they twinkle back into duller shades. Suddenly a realization hits as I turn to face the golden sunrise.
I’m 23. Hell yeah!
And immediately after another hits me like a something very large and very fast does…
I’m more lost than a goth sixteen-year-old with a nose ring, nipple piercings and a tramp stamp.
After a brief period of 100% NOT, yes NOT, panicking so badly I rubbed mud on my face and singing the Texan pledge of allegiance four or five times, I proceeded to make my way towards a creek I may or may not have just guessed at the location of.
As I begin to walk through the mud with the FX of my neighbor’s sex life, I see a handful of rare birds a few thrashed snake carcasses, and some crawfish holes. Just a normal day in the swamp, I guess. I come to realize that I need to cross one of these creeks, one of the moccasin, gator, and gar infested creeks.
Just as I muster up the courage to cross, I see a pair of eyes staring back at me. Mocking, amber eyes with obsidian slits to set the mood of the swamp. Lovely, intense and dangerous beyond reason, like South Tampa in all honesty. 
“MURRRRGGRRGGRR” growls the gator
“MEGHEEEGH” I respond
“Rude” Says the Gator in a deep sultry voice
I jerk my head to see a gator head still floating along side me, the water is now clear enough to see the rest of the creature’s form. A good eight feet from tail to snout, healthy color, muscular form, oh and above all else FUCKING HUMANOID
“I’m hallucinating, aren’t I?” I say into the swamp
“And what makes you think that” says the voice of the gator-thing.
“Why else would a gator-man be speaking? I must be high as a kite…” I say nonchalantly 
“Gator-LADY to you mister, and no you ain’t dreaming, this Amazonian crock is Christian, Single, and has some weird tingles.” She says in what I imagine is supposed to be a faux-seductive voice, though in all actuality she sounds more like a 50-something dean trying to sound hot.
“A Christian, Single, Gator-Woman…” I Say
“I think I watched Zootopia too much as a kid and am definitely high.” I resolve
“HEY!” The gator-woman protests “Also what the hell is Zootopia?” She asks.
“Hun, just eat me, don’t be a tease like my ex.” I ask dropping any sort of class.
“Rude.” She says again sternly
“Darlin’ I’ve been in this ‘ere swamp from sundown to sunup, and I really ain’t all too keen on bein’ ‘ere when the skeeters starta wakin’. I say.
I see an anaconda slithering up around the base of a tree. I promptly grab my shotty and send the fucker straight to hell. After poking the meat-purse a few times with my machete I give it one good whack and turn back to the creek.
Those two eyes are still starin’ right back at me. This time seemingly with a bit of doubt behind ‘em.
“What you lookin’ at?” I demand
The eyes go under the water and soon the gator can’t be seen no more. Finally, I can cross. I kick down a half-rotted tree over a thin bit of the creek. Crawling like a baby I cross, machete in hand, shaking like a busted mower. Peering up from the water I see ‘em again. Two eyes, amber and obsidian. Dammit.
“Hello, Hun~” Growls the gator-woman
“Am I still hallucinating?” I ask plainly
“Dreamin’ maybe” The thing growls again.
I keep crawling along as she speaks.
“I’ll straight to the point, my sisters got a question, and so do I.” She says smoothly
“Shoot” I say trying to sound cool.
“My sisters are a askin’ if you’re the one chopping snakes?” She says
“Me, Rico and Jean do in this neck of the woods.” I say
“Wonderful. Now you think you can spare an hour or so?” She asks sweet as syrup.
“Whadda want me to do?” I ask concerned.
“Kill a snake.” She says almost innocently.
“Where at?” I ask
“Follow me.” She says
That worries the ever-living hell out of me. Follow the gator-girl through the swamp, to kill a snake. That is what momma would’ve called sus as hell.
“…”
“Please?” She asks beggingly
Well she ain’t killed me yet and got manners. I just gotta get my shit together.
…
“Fine” I say
I follow the head in the water for, like she said, an hour. Winding through swampland I know damn well no man, not even the Indians ever treaded. The sunlight goes from bands, to dots, to specks, to an eerie darkness. The deer here fear not man, nor do the ‘coons and possums. After passing some unknown threshold I see it. Seventeen thatch huts arranged in a circle. A big fire marks the center, snakes run through spikes like a sort of giant pocky kebab are roasting atop.
	At long last the gator-lady emerges from the water giving me a full view. As she emerges the first noticeable thing is her lackluster bust, soon followed by rock-hard set of abs, somehow glistening in the darkness, then come some rocking hips, like just really, really good hips. As for the legs, I honestly don’t know how to judge scaly legs, though I don’t find them all that odd to be fair. She stands almost two and a half feet above me, her tail droops just above the ground.
“Alrighty hun, go talk to Suzanne, she’s the oldest of us sisters, you’ll know when you see her.” The gator-lady beams.
“Okay…” I say raising an eye.
As I walk into the village/ hut collection I can feel more and more sets of eyes resting on me. As I reach the center the beads drooped over the largest hut rustle. I feel a sense of dread as I see a clawed arm reach out of the hut. Soon the rest follows. She’s shorter than five foot. With larger tits than her sister.
“Hello mister!” The gator-lady says
She sounds like a twelve-year-old girl trying to sound like Peter Steele holy fuck.
“Are you the boy that Roxie has been raving about?” She asks cheerfully
“Raving?” I ask inquisitively
“Oh yes, that girl has never seen a human before as poppa died before she was born, and momma died bring her in.” She says lamenting but cheery, as she points toward two crosses with flowers on the top.
“Sorry for your loss…” I say trailing off
“Now, as the snake Roxie asked for you to kill ain’t a, normal snake, to say. Sorry for draggin you into this hun, but we ran out of ammo several years ago and we need someone to kill an about a hundred-foot-long snake. If you succeed, we’ll give you something very nice” She explains.
“And if I fail?” I ask.
“You’ll be killed by the snake.” She says flatly.
“And if I don’t want to?” I ask.
“Mister, I don’t think you understand where you are.” She says condescendingly.
“Where am I then?” I demand
“You somehow crossed.” She says
“Crossed?” I demand
“Crossed. You know, passed through to here.” She says as if I already know.
“Where is here?” I demand
“Here is where man becomes animal.” She says
“So. I’m going to become a gator-man like killer croc?” I ask.
“No, you’ll be human till you pass the pearly gates.” She says still sounding sweet as syrup.
“Alright, can I go back, ever?” I ask nervously
“No.” She says smiling smugly
OhForTheLoveOfGodISwearIAmGoingToKillSomeoneSoHelpMeIAmGonnaRipAndTearMoreMeatSacksThanDoomGuy.
Inhale. Intake.
Exhale. Expel.
“So, I can’t go home, and if I help you, I gain something?” I ask building my resolve
“Yes.” She swaying her scaled tail grinning ear to ear.
“Where is this snake at? If I die so what, if I don’t I get something.” I say accepting the fact that this snake is the OD I am surely coming towards.
“Sure.” She beams with the least authentic smile I’ve seen since I last saw my birthmother.
She hops along a trail in a ragged red dress me following closely holding my shotgun. Soon I come to crystal clear water that goes on forever, to my left a mangrove creek meet the gulf.
“Oh wow.” I say under my breath
“Oh, it is a lovely day innit?” Suzanne says in an almost equally soft tone.
After some time of just gazing over the springtime gulf, taking in the sapphire blues of its deep and the glass-like clearness of its shallows. Though there isn’t a single fisherman with a white beard nor college students blitzing along in the water on a boat. Its almost surreal how quiet it is. 
The thought of my up coming snake slaying pops back up as I see a pod of porpoises swim by. It just seems so, off, I guess would be the way to put it. I’ve never been here but it just feels right to be right here.
“So, uhh, where’s the snake?” I ask nervously
“Oh, right, we’ll have to wait for nightfall!” She cheers.
“Anywho, what’s the reward gonna be along the lines of?” I ask trying to resolve that question.
“A hut, you can’t go back to we’ll let you live with us.” She answers her over-sweet voice sounding almost sarcastic.
“Oh.”
She guides me back to the village of huts and a sickening feeling washes over me.
Oh god.
No.
Please.
Why?
I just got isekai’d like a shitty anime protag.
Suzanne looks back at me with what I presume is a concerned face.
“You got butterflies in yer gut hun?” She asks dropping her, well I presume at least, normal sweetness.
“No, no, no, I just realized I might be suffering a fate far worse than death.” I mumble
“Waddya just say hun?” she asks keeping with her sterner demeanor
“Noth-Nothin’, I jus-just, realized I’ll never get to say bye to my momma.” I say louder but with a very unwelcome stutter.
“Oh. Don’t be sissy ‘ere, the swamp eats the weak.” She says still entirely serious.
“Suga, so help me, I have not slept in two days and chopped through a good dozen or so snakes, I ain’t got no need for any damn humblin’” I bark
She looks visibly taken aback. Shit.
“Oh Darlin’, bless your heart, you haven’t got a damn clue what’s happened have ya?” She says almost coldly.
“If you ain’t gonna be a good southerner than I damn well won’t give you an inch of margin.” She continues equally coldly. “Now if you need a some shut eye than I can give you a place to rest your hippie-haired head ‘till sundown. Maybe that’ll get yer head on straight.”
The audacity of the woman. I’m tempted to shout “If you want that damn snake dead so much do it yerselves” but decide to keep my trap shut. I follow her the rest of the way keeping a good distance keeping a grimace worn on my face. My eyes burn like a cattle-prod been ran in each of ‘em, I can feel the soreness in my arms and core catching up with me. A speckling sweat breaks on my brow when I notice it. Four figures, maybe a hundred feet away from me, four black, serpent-like appendages dance like that drunk Indian chick you met four weeks ago in a plywood-doored bar in Tallahassee. Hot girl, more red flags than a day with a nasty riptide at Destin in the middle of July. Needless to say, nowhere near as red as the backs as the 40 something recent divorcee from Yankland who didn’t wear sunscreen, but still red, painfully obvious, and in pairs, unlike the yank. What was I thinking about? Probably not import enough. 
Either way, I can see the village once again, and with it a wave of anxiety hits me. I take a few deep breaths before I see Suzanne glaring back at me. She mouths “Sissy” at me before turning around. 
“Don’t let it get under your skin…” You say softly trailing off.
You can see the rest of the Gators, Roxie noticeable from her much lighter scales and notable, though not monstrous size.
“Alrighty Sisters! Come here come meet the human!” She calls out to her kin.
What appears to be a small stampede of claws, teeth, and scales begins to charge towards you.
Fuck it. I knew I was gonna die in a headline worthy way when I agreed to take this job. “Florida Man Killed by Alligators in Swamp While High on Shrooms” Knew it, not crazy but enough to piss off the local Baptist minister back in Beaumont. Just as I stare blankly unto oblivion it stops, and seventeen heads are now just staring at me like some sort of object to behold.
“Roxie, Suzanne, why ain’t he got face-fur” Asks the largest of their number in an almost childlike voice of curiosity.
“Easy Beatrice, not all humans have it.” Answers another with a much more maternal tone
“And just how do you know that Amy?” Asks another in a nearly mocking way
“Unlike you Belle, Victoria knew poppa back when he was still with us.” Answers another in a non-nonsense kinda way.
“You know what Marge? I’ve had it with your prude attitude as of short.” Says another bitterly
“Both of you, close your beartraps.” Call two identical ones.
“Stuff it Sarah and Sara, Same to you Jackie and Mackenzie.” Calls another totally different one.
“My GOD! Not this again!” Shouts another
“Go wear an anaconda as a choker you overly dramatic flatjaw!” Calls a different one
“GIRLS we have a guest.” Says a different one in a seemingly cordial way while waving a hand towards me.
“Go fuck a stump Jane.” Says one of the twins
“Though I doubt it’ll even accept you so your stuck with the same thing that the rest of are.” Says the other
“RIGHT CLAW REPRESENT” Calls an obviously drunk one from the back
Suzanne looks to her sisters with a glare of absolute disgust, he feet-claws dig into the mud. I can see her eyes twitch.
“SARA(H)S, JANE, HELENE, PAULA, TABITHA, AND REGAN! MAKE YOURSELVES DECENT!” Suzanne shout-growls like some sort of ancient dragon. 
Roxie, Suzanne, Sara, Sarah, Beatrice, Amy, Belle, Victoria, Marge, Jackie, Mackenzie, Jane, Helene, Paula, Tabitha, Regan. This will be pain in the ass to remember, but that’s only sixteen. So, where is the seventeenth.
“Sorry Mister, it seems Gilda isn’t home, she rarely is.” Says Beatrice, still in an almost child-like apology.
“Yeah she took momma’s passing the hardest.” Follows Victoria.
There is a brief moment of an awkward silence following that. I wait for someone to say something, anything really. Nothing comes, so I gotta say something.
“Hiya ladies, I’m Thomas, Thomas Green, I come from Texas, and uhhhh-“Their eyes are fucking menacing, I ain’t so sure I can keep this who charade of being a brave lad up.
“And he’s gonna kill the great snake tonight sisters!” Cheers Suzanne.
This bitch wants me dead.
“He’s gonna need all the energy he can get before his big fight tonight. Ain’t that right Mr. Green?” Continues Suzanne, looking at me with a smug and menacing stare that says, “Get fucked loser”.
“Ye-Yeah, I just need some sleep, I was up all night last night.” I say with a giant fake yawn at the end.
“You can stay up all night?!” excitedly asks Beatrice
“I’m a full-grown man, I do what I want.” I wearily boast.
“Jane get Mr. Green a hammock please.” Orders Suzanne.
“You can just call me Tom or Tommy.” I say to Suzanne.
“I don’t think that’s polite, Mr. Green, and I don’t know you well enough to go by any nicknames. Wouldn’t you agree.” Says Suzanne with a shit eating grin.
A Smug Small Gator. What the hell happened to normal life, like generally I would question gator people in general, I guess the Southside of Tampa really is just that wild. I mean what’s easier to deal with, gatorfolks in the swamp or a buck-ball naked probably-a-soundclound-rapper jerking a bleeding dick in the middle of a six-lane. 
“Here Suzie” says Jane slightly annoyed dropping a massive fucking Virginia Battle Flag hammock at her feet.
“Based.” I slip out.
“What?” Snaps Suzanne
“Nothin’” I say.
“Get yer sleep Mr. Green, I need that snake dead.” Suzanee growls.
With that as permission I crawl into the hammock and almost instantly fall into the most redneck nap I’ve ever had. Well no, actually, second most redneck, but that’s another story entirely. Before I am totally out of if I can here some of the Gator Women bickering over who’s turn is first. It’s probably nothing to do with me, nor anything I should worry.
I dream of strange things, of the Indians, of gators, and of good old-fashioned Spanish hedonism. The woods seem to want me in the dream, luring me like a cat from a tree. It doesn’t tempt me with women or wealth, but simply with a warmth. I am guided along a path unseen and to a small bayou. The bank is covered in a writhing black mass.
A Voice calls me “Whoo entersssss my hommmmeeeee?”
I stay silent as it makes a wet meaty sound akin to meat being hit with a mallet.
“Hoomans? Noooo, HooMAN!” Says the voice as if coming upon a revelation.
…
“Hooman I know where you are just come out to say hi.” It says.
…
“Please?” It begs
“Fine” I say stepping out from the brush.
“Are you the hooman the gators befriended?” I ask with a bit of a lisp
“Befriended is a strong word for that.” I say with a snark.
“Perhaps to you Hooman.” Drawls the snake.
I look up to see it. Its head is well over six feet wide and four feet tall. Black, white, and yellow scales run down its form. It’s coiled shape just breaks the water and it’s had sits maybe ten yards above the water. It’s a massive water moccasin, from its head to its snout.
“Are you the great snake?” I ask inquisitively.
“No” Says the moccasin coldly.
“Then what is the great snake?” I demand
“Jussssst a thirty-foot an-a-con-da.” It says coolly.
With that I wake up to a colorful night sky, so clear and pristine I can see the red, blue, violets, and pinks of the milky way. A gentle coastal breeze rustles the leaves on the tress and the smell of coming rain is carried on it. Moths and bats fly overhead in some ancient and deadly dance done by all before them and all they sire.
“Wake up loser.” Calls Suzanne.
“Rude.” I say back
“Yeah well guess what, you’re sleeping on OUR hammock in OUR village doing FUCK ALL.” She angrily states
“Are sucking a lemon or did you fit one up your ass?” I ask sarcastically
“You think you’re oh so funny don’t ya?” She barks
I start to approach her form, feeling the need to get a better view.
“So what if I do?” I inquire.
“You are insufferable Mr. Green. Just follow me would ya?” She says still vocally simmering with anger.
From behind she is actually, uh, kinda cute, her tail is standing at a 90-degree angle to the rest of her so I can get a perfect view of her, assets. A cute, tight butt, muscular, scaly but looks almost soft. She has this perfect pep in her step that causes this tiny little jiggle. I bite my lip a little when a gust of wind hits as she’s staring at me, while ain’t no master key to the ladies so take what I have say with a grain of salt, but she keeps shaping up.
“Mr. Green we’re here.” She calls out.
I walk slowly, admiring the swamp one last time. I get the feeling that there is a good chance this is my last night. I reach a very tilted Suzanne after a minute or so.
Fuck it if this may be my last night alive, I am damn well gonna make one last bad decision.
I walk over to Suzanne.
“You ever been kissed Suzie?” I ask mischievously
“No, and its Suzanne to you Mr. Green.” She remarks rather sternly with a bit of a smug grin on her face.
I loom head and shoulders above her, a devious thought running through my head. With that I lean down to look her in the eyes and give her a little peck.
“Mr. Green did you do what I just think you did.” She asks with an astonished smile.
“Yessiry missy.” I say full throttle on the drawl.
“You’re in some hot wat-“ I cut her off with a deeper kiss. Making sure to give a little tongue and grabbing her tail. She begins to tremble in the knees. 
“Pray I die out there Suzie!” I say with a wink before running as far away as fast as I can towards the snake. After a good moment I see she’s fallen to her knees rubbing her face up and down.
Mission Complete. Just kidding. I still must kill a snake.
And then I trip on something. I get up to see a tail-shaped rock the size of laundry basket.
Around me a dull copper and dark bronze begins to swirl. I turn to see a writhing mass of magnolia-leaf sized scales.
HHIISSSS.
Oh. Fuck.
I see a head baring hate filled yellow eyes. It rears it fangs and strikes at me. With a duck and a roll, I clear its head and return with a cleave from my machete. It flinches and swipes with its tail. It strikes again and I jump on its head Climbing into a tree. It whips at the tree filling my left arm with splinters and cutting my face. I pump my shotgun and wait for it to strike. Instead it whips me again shaking the tree like a bobblehead. I fire into the shaking madness hoping to hit something maybe vital.
	After I fire the shaking stops and I see two fangs at least four foot apiece are but inches away from my legs. I try to pull up my gun only to find it’s been pinned to the tree. I grab my machete one more and swing with all I have to give at the left eye of the beast. I miss as it draws its head back, but I nail its left fang breaking it. My face is sprayed with venom and blood as it shakes violently.
	I grab my shotgun and drop from the tree just as it stabs its tail where was a moment ago. It hisses one again and I fire a round at its head.  Remember Tommy 4 more shots. It throws itself at me once more, I jump to dodge it and latch to the back of its neck. Another large cut open a massive gash on its back, I shove my gun in there next firing another round. It hisses almost like a scream and I crawl further up its head. It jerks backwards and throws me off.
	My head slams into the mud and feel my knuckles bleeding. I drag myself up to stare at the snake once more. I cock my shotgun one more time and then unsheathe my machete once more. It lashes towards me and I lurch towards the snake’s mouth jumping into it. I use the shotgun like a prybar keeping the mouth open, and then I begin to hack at the remaining fang like a madman. With a sickening crack it gives in, I pull the trigger on my shotgun and the snake just stops. Then it falls to the earth with me still in it. I grab one of the fangs and prop open the mouth.
	With that I fall backwards into the mud. I raise one arm.
“Whooooo” I say exhausted.
I just lie there for a while feeling the stinging of all the little cuts and bruises that now dot my body. My breathing is heavy, but I wear a smile. I did it, I mean sure I killed some mythical and wild beast but hey fuck it.
After some time of just waiting around in the mud trying to regain some strength I manage to sit up. Soon I’m able to stand and not long after I begin to hobble back towards the village. Before you arrive, you see Suzanne waiting like a schoolgirl. She looks at me like a schoolgirl waiting for a lover. I nod at her and giver her a wink and a smirk and continue forward.
	At last I return to my hammock, the Virginia Battle Flag proudly still on it. I crawl into it like before, this time careful not to get blood on the stars. With that I fall asleep once more, unsure on whether or not I will wake up. But hey, what’s the worse that could happen? Right?